Every organized dungeon party will have its own set of rules that must be read and understood. These rules will have their differences but there are fundamentals common to them all. Whether the event is an organized dungeon party, a play at a leather bar, or disco, or even just an informal gathering of friends, there is a universal dungeon decorum expected of all present. It exists to make possible the enjoyment of both the players and onlookers.

Event organizers are anxious to protect the reputation of their event. Behavior complaints happen easily and often. When they do happen there is no constitutional right to confront one's accuser. Most of the time the complainer's side of the story is the only one that is heard. Most of the time the person complained about will not become aware of the complaints at least until he or she finds him or herself no longer welcome.

If you are new to the BDSM community there is a terminology used on this web page you may be unfamiliar with. These are defined on the BDSM Terminology Page.

Quiet Please
Keep Your Distance
The Meaning of the Collar
Do Not Out
No Cameras
Dress Code
Your Way Is Not The Only Way
Do Not Play Under The Influence
Don't Touch!
Ask Once
Play Safe
Polite Society

Quiet Please

The enjoyment of the scene for the bottom requires a peaceful and mesmerized state of mind often called "bottom space." It is fragile and easily disrupted and destroyed by noise. The bottom's enjoyment of the scene depends on being focused on the sensation the Top provides. It often happens the Top will put a blindfold on a bottom on the theory that if you take a way one sense you enhance the others. Undesired noise is a sensory input that distracts attention away from sensations the Top is providing, and becomes a disruption. Examples of such disruptions are the sound of footfalls on the floor and conversations. If communication is necessary speak in whispers low enough so the bottom cannot hear you.

Most especially unwelcome is a cheering section where whistles, catcalls and encouragements to "beat harder" are heard. The Top must carefully adjust play to stay below and often just below the pleasure/agony threshold of the bottom. The intensity level of this threshold is different for every bottom and as the bottom's endorphins build up it tends to move higher as the play progresses. The adjustments are done according to prior knowledge of the bottom and feedback from the bottom during play. It must be done with the proper timing. The intensity of the play cannot be influenced by calls from a cheering section. All a cheering section does is irritate the Top and destroy the experience for the bottom.

A play session will conclude with a period of aftercare. This is a period of time of hugs and embracement that can last for a short or long time. It is a vitally important part of a scene that can also be ruined by disruption. The quiet etiquette must extend for the duration of aftercare.

Keep Your Distance

Maintain a sufficient distance so as not to be a distraction, and stay out of the way of the equipment the Top is wielding. A general guide is about ten feet. A too close example.

Avoid attempting to enter the scene to play or for any other reason unless invited to do so by the Top. Such an invitation should happen only if the Top is a Master or Mistress and the bottom is a slave owned by the Top. If the relationship is only that of Top and bottom with no ownership do not participate even if the Top invites you into it. It is a trust issue with the bottom. What the bottom will consent to is always negotiated in advance of the scene or session. If you have not participated in the negotiation, and the bottom has not explicitly consented to your participation in advance, do not take a chance and politely decline the Top's invitation. Do not expect that the Top can ask the bottom any such thing when the scene is underway. It is not fair to the bottom to negotiate once the scene has begun and the bottom has entered bottom space. It is generally considered a violation of play etiquette for the Top to attempt it.

Avoid touching anyone else's equipment without permission from the owner. Thefts happen from time to time. These happen more often at large events where there are fewer people that know each other. Much of the equipment a Top brings is not replaceable. This may be because the maker of the equipment is out of business and possibly no longer alive. Or there may be sentimental memories attached to them of past play and the people that were played with it. This means the sanctity of the Top's equipment can be a highly sensitive issue sure to flare up emotion if this no touch protocol is not respected.

The Meaning of the Collar

Anyone wearing a collar is a slave owned by a Master or Mistress. It is often the case the slave is forbidden to talk to anyone other than the slave's owner, and those the owner has given the slave permission to talk to. Until you know it is best not talk to anyone wearing a collar or disrupt or interfere in anyway the slave's assigned duties.

A slave that is not yours, or submissive not owned, is not your property to command. If they are able to talk to you do not necessarily expect a submissive personality. This may be reserved only for their owners. Speak to them as you would anyone else in a social situation. Ownership, and subservience, is by consent only. It is given by the slave to the Master or Mistress. It is never taken.

There is one exception to the meaning of collars. It often happens at gothic night clubs that BDSM players will play among those who are in gothic dress and not familiar with BDSM, and may have no desire to practice it. Collars are often a part of gothic dress most especially for women and it is common for them to wear the same types worn by BDSMers. At such events a collar may not necessarily mean an owned slave. At such events it can be difficult to know. If the person does not appear to be submitting to an owner or seems not participating at play it is often best to ask.

Do Not Out

With many friends, family, and careers at stake many involved in BDSM do not want their involvement generally known and keep it inside "the closet." Five to ten percent of the population may practice it to various degrees, and fifty percent may fantasize about it, but in spite of that any knowledge of involvement by the wrong people can cause severe disapproval among family, friends and can harm or destroy careers: example 1, example 2. There is a political movement that disapproves of what we do and moves against us to stop our doing it at every opportunity. It is important you do nothing to indicate the involvement of anyone to anyone who does not already know.

This means if you know someone only from BDSM events, and meet him or her publicly, you do nothing indicate knowing the person. Unknown to yourself the person may be with family, friends, or coworkers, and may be put in the awkward position of explaining to them how he or she came to know you.

It is common practice for people involved in the fetish to use an alias for a name. This can be due to any or both of two reasons: to take on a persona, and for privacy. Most people using aliases do not want their real names generally known in the fetish community. If you do know the real name of a person using an alias it is just about always because you have become a trusted friend who will socialize with that person at vanilla (nonfetish) venues as well, or out of necessity because you are running an event and need to see real identification. For a person using an alias you must never use the real name at fetish venues,- always use the alias instead. And likewise never use the alias in a vanilla venue,- use the real name. If there is any doubt about which to use you must ask. Because much is at stake disrespect for this protocol is a fast way to lose a friend.

No Cameras

Most dungeon parties prohibit cameras. Once a picture is taken there is no way to know where it will end up, and could end up somewhere that will nonconsensually "out" a person to family, friends, or coworkers (example). (See "Do Not Out" above.)

However this is not true at nightclubs and balls where very often officially sanctioned photographers are present. These pictures end up on the event's web site (example 1,, example 2). If you do not want your picture taken you must find out in advance if these pictures will be taken, and given that decide if you want to attend. Once at the event you can inform these photographers you do not want your picture taken and they are generally always willing to accommodate your wishes. But there is always the risk that your picture is taken before you can let the photographer know, that you will accidentally end up in the background of one of the shots, or the photographer will forget.

There are also nightclubs that will allow any customer in with a camera. Due to the recent trend of the cell phone camera there is an abundance of cameras at such clubs along with an abundance of uncontrolled picture taking that goes with them. Anyone who cannot have their picture taken is at risk at these clubs. If this is an issue it is best to find out in advance if cameras are allowed to customers.

Dress Code

It is rare for a BDSM event to have a formally announced dress code. When they do very often it is not enforced very well if at all. (This is not to be counted on. There are events that do strictly enforce it). But to fit in with, and contribute to, the ambiance of a BDSM event fetish dress is always much appreciated by the organizers and all in attendance whether or not a formal dress code exists. Generally fetish wear is defined as sexy designs of black or red leather, or latex. Sometimes military or police uniforms are also worn.

Where there is no formal dress code, and you do not have true fetish dress, any black material (except denim) of sexy design is second best but will still fit in. This is called "Basic Black." Most events that do have a well enforced dress code will not let in Basic Black.

Your Way Is Not The Only Way

Within the confines of Safety, Sanity, and Consensuality, and nonabusive relationships that meet mutual needs, there are no generally recognized ways of practicing BDSM that are viewed as correct or incorrect. Ideas may be developed on their own, or learned from others on how to dominate or play. These ideas may be adopted or rejected by individuals as it suits their needs, desires, and beliefs. Your unsolicited criticism of how others may dominate or play is not relevant to them and is not welcome. They are not doing it for you. They are doing what works for themselves.

Sometimes the relationship between players is not that of a Master and slave, or Dominant and submissive, but merely Top and bottom. Such scenes are for sensation play only and do not involve acts of domination. Sometimes a Dominant may be a bottom for a scene just to gain the experience of what a whip, paddle, or other equipment feels like so he/she can better understand how the toy feels to a bottom. Or it may be the person enjoys being on the receiving end of play that does not include domination. A person that can switch between the roles of Dominant and submissive, or Top and bottom, is described as being a "switch."

In BDSM progression towards ever more advanced play or domination is not hardly always done and not necessarily a desirable thing. People progress to the point that meets their own needs and desires. For example some people are just happy to be tied up for a while, have no interest in anything else, and never will.

Do Not Play Under The Influence

Whether you are to be a Top or bottom it is best not to be under the influence of anything at least until after play. This includes alcohol. Play is physically demanding. A Top owes it to the bottom to be at peak hand eye coordination, be observant of the condition of the bottom, and have good judgment. The bottom must be at peak awareness of what is being done so proper feedback can be given to the Top. Having good judgment for a bottom is just as important as it is for a Top. Also the bottom throwing up is a detrimental to the scene, and depending on the bondage arrangement, can cause a danger to the bottom that the Top most respond to. Many, but not hardly all, events do not allow the consumption of alcohol.

Don't Touch!

Do not touch another's equipment without permission.

Equipment, especially leather items such as a flogger or jacket, can have a sentimental value far exceeding its monetary value. Memories may be attached to it. Or the owner may have been honored by its being given by a respected person such as a current or former Master or teacher. The item may be from a famous maker who does not make them anymore and may no longer be living. In these cases disregard for this protocol can invoke much wrath on the part of the owner.

Ask Once

Once a person has been asked for play, and that person has declined, do not ask again. To repeat the request, even once, is harassment. The person will not change his or her mind with repeated requests.

Once a person has declined it is necessary to be careful about what is said next. Continuing to discuss play, even if the question is not asked again, can be perceived as not having taken no for an answer. Depending on how the person feels about you it can cause the person to complain in spite of your believing yourself not to have asked again. The person will not be interested in knowing what play you had offered and will not want to hear about it.

Another reason to be cautious is that we are approaching and era of hypersensitivity, microaggresion, victimhood, and lack of resilience among individuals. Colleges have noticed this. It has reached the point of there being at colleges safe spaces to run to when a students beliefs are challenged, and trigger warnings to notify students in advance that such challenges might happen. Such sensitivities have the potential to manifest themselves in complaints about you when soliciting play regardless of whether or not you think you have crossed the line, and in actuality technically haven't .

Play Safe

Tops that gain a bad reputation may find themselves no longer welcome or not allowed into an event with their equipment. This is true at any event but is most especially true in the nightclub scene. Bad reputations are gained by bad experiences on the part of the bottom, unsafe play, or injuring the bottom.

Please see Safety on the BDSM Responsibilities page for more information.

When playing with a person you are not familiar with it is essential to get feedback often to make it a good experience for the bottom. Every bottom is different so prior play experience with others is of limited usefulness to guide the type and intensity of play with the current one.

Polite Society

BDSM Society is of necessity a polite society. The principles of politeness are founded on caring about the needs of others. Respect for people is expected. Avoid conduct that is detrimental to the enjoyment of others and pursue conduct that will enhance it. Others will in turn do the same for you.

Many of the current traditions of honor, respect, and integrity in the BDSM community, most especially in the gay BDSM community, have origins with gay men who were in the military beginning with World War II. After leaving the military there were many who liked and missed living under military discipline. They found this again in Master/slave relationships. At events by people who have inherited this a military standard of politeness and orderliness is expected and maintained.

With the above having been said, with the explosion of popularity of BDSM among the general populace in recent years, and the resultant proliferation of groups, clubs, and dungeons, the composition of memberships have reflected more generally a public unaware of and/or uncaring of the above traditions of politeness. This is due to a gradual decline in the civility of society these past decades that has sadly been reflected in scene behavior. A jealous enemy can be unknowingly made for such things as bringing too much play equipment to a party, or bringing too many female bottoms to play with (two or more.) Complaints can be spun and used as a weapon in attempts to cause ostracism by such enemies. People tend to see things in ways that are to their own advantage. There are primitive scripts of behavior programmed by evolution that are no longer appropriate in civilized situations. Unless a homosapien is educated to override these scripts the higher brain functions do not override them. An example of this is the harassment of anyone perceived as being different script. It is irony that BDSM players have experienced this from general society for being involved in BDSM only for many of them to be guilty of it themselves within the BDSM social circles. It has been a failure of society in general that socialization education has been in decline. The result has been a decline in civility in society that is reflected in the BDSM scene.

For more information "Leather Ethics: Civility and Incivility in the Scene" by Chris M., "Bullying in School: An Exploration of Peer Group Dynamics" By Thomas Farmer and Cristin Hall

Also of interest: "Punishment Does Not Earn Cooperation or Rewards," "Winners Don't Punish", and the "Origins of Human Aggression" documentary: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4.